"You jackass bastard, are you still out here? You were supposed to be on a plane by now!!" These words came pulsating through my cranium at what seemed to be an ungodly hour of the morning. Holy hell I thought, what kind of pigfucker would be disturbing my frontyard slumber at such a moment. It was Oscar, my attorney of course. Once realizing who was barking these orders, the memory of the last 48 hours slowly came to focus. We had made a savage burn across the east coast, Punxsutawney PA had been our starting point. My reason for being there was a mass of hazy recollections. I had to be in San Francisco on the 10th, I was sure of that much. "Damn right" Oscar yelled, "and if you don't get in this limo right now your on your own!" I snatched up my gear, and scurried into the car waiting by the curb. As we pulled away I glanced over my shoulder to get one last look at where I'd spent the last few hours sleeping. Jesus I thought, I don't even know why I was in that yard. Who's yard was it? I decided to verbalize my concern, and screamed where the hell am I...What city is this? My attorney who was helping himself to the spirits that were onboard, did not respond. "St Louis" The man sitting next to me says. I suddenly realized there was a man to my left. Someone in the limo besides myself, the driver, and Oscar. The dark brooding hulk peered at Oscar, who after taking a sip of his recent concoction calmly said "don't worry, we're dropping him at the next corner. We are? I thought. I seem to remember something about a plane, and no airport in the world is on the next corner! My attorney made a quick hand gesture to the driver, and before I knew what happened I was standing on the curb waving my fist at a monolithic black slab of luxury that I was no longer a part of. There I was in a strange city, and no idea how to get to the goddamned airport! I did what any red blooded American would do in my situation, I asked the next passerby the way to the nearest bar.
After enjoying several hours of strong drink and light conversation, my concentration was derailed. A stir was taking place at the window, all the local drunks were pointing and buzzing about something outside. After closing my gigantic fucking tab, I made my way over to see for myself. Upon wiping away a couple layers of filth from the tarstained window, I caught a glimpse of what was happening. Jesus god almighty!! It looked like every fucking cyclist from the metro area was converging across the street! Continually, more and more were spilling into the mass from every direction. Not unlike flotsam and jetsam flowing into a storm drain after a gullywasher. Being the kind of individual that likes to prod the bee hive, I made my way into the mob. Quite drunk at this point mind you, I bushwhacked my way through several layers of enthusiasts. I made it to the eye of the storm and started interrogating a group that had perched themselves on what appeared to be a giant cement tortoise. Did you make this evil concrete beast? I said. No wait, that's not what I came to ask! Dammit I couldn't remember why I'd come over here. Before I could collect my thoughts, one of the scruffy youngsters started yelling out a tapestry of commands and street names I would never understand. All of a sudden everyone started scurrying around like someone yelled "FIRE"! Was there a fire? Had I missed something crucial while trying to decipher the aforementioned instructions. I was in a fucking frenzy, and these people were no help! I was lost in a storm of flashy metal, brightly colored bags, and a barrage of tire thrown gravel. Finally after blabbering nonsense to these poor bastards and getting knocked around by their hurried departure, my body succumbed to all the abuse of the past week. Total black out.
I was awakened by a gentle breeze on my face. Whats this? Oh shit! I'm on one of these goddamn contraptions! How'd this happen? What the fuck! My mind slowly gathered more information. Somehow I was riding a bicycle! In the same huddle from before it all went dark. Were these people in charge of keeping me upright? Was I doing it on my own? I couldn't tell! Better not ask questions I thought. I was on thin ice with this group already. Did these riders form a plan of some kind of retaliation for my behavior. Was I being coaxed to a hastily dug shallow grave? And if so, would they forward my belongings to the proper address? "We are here" someone shouted. Still on the defensive, I scanned the landscape for places they might stow a body. No... all clear I thought to myself. Just then I was pointed the way into our destination. Holy god! It was a nightclub! These are my kind of people! It wasn't a race we were on. They are just doing this to hang out! Wait... don't get to comfortable I thought, they may still be planning my demise. I noticed some of my motor skills were coming back, the exercise must have diluted the effects of massive drinking. Just as things were looking better, I noticed a goblin behind my booth trying to pass off a beer! Was this real, or did the faint image of buying mescaline from that dwarf a couple days ago have something to do with it? Nevertheless I'm not one to turn down a beer! Jesus, it was hot in here! Was it because I was dancing with too much gusto? Or maybe my circulatory system was taking revenge for my lack of respect. Holy Jesus look at that! Those two are on fire! Wait, did I say that out loud? Was I really seeing these things or just thinking them? Having real trouble keeping things together here! It's gotta be the mescaline! Hold it together I thought. After a seemingly nonstop assassination of my ear drums, and his turntable the DJ put on his last record. Some disfigured elves gave me a shot of rainbow, and congratulated me on my first ride. Shit, were they here from the beginning? I hadn't paid enough attention. Somehow by the grace of the great magnet I caught a redeye to Frisco, and all is well.
Till the next one you filthy animals!!! You dirty beasts!!!